


got lost in the rush (i pray you don't hurt too much)

by shotforthesky



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Jeremy is beautiful and Simon knows that, M/M, Slight fluff, canon complaint, slight angst, slight sexuality crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 17:04:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14597643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotforthesky/pseuds/shotforthesky
Summary: anon asked: ao3 ask: your own interpretation/continuation of THAT scene in a one shotcontinuation of the 1x09 siremy scene where the boys address some things that haven't been discussed yet





	got lost in the rush (i pray you don't hurt too much)

**Author's Note:**

> so honestly, last night's episode really did a number on me and i wanted to write this anyways so thanks to the anon because whoop here it is  
> also, i would like to throw out that as a bisexual who struggled with her identity, i understand that it can be a hard thing, especially if you don't really know exactly how you identify and i believe that simon never really spent a lot of time actually thinking about how he felt (due to the internalized homophobia imposed on him due to the ways of his upbringing)

Simon was pissed. Livid. Infuriated. This whole show ripped the floor from under his family and now, it won’t even have been worth it. He had been doing all of this for what it had represented, because he believed in the beauty of the show and the importance of the story, and it was all for nothing. 

When he had stormed off the stage, he felt like crying. He felt like hitting something. He’d blown up his family and for what? He’d ruined his parents’ marriage, he caused his sister to freak out about his parents, everything was his fault.

So he sat on the couch in the backroom of the auditorium, reading through Spring Awakening, trying to find the exact moment where he practically melted into the story, where he had fallen in love with the complexities of the characters and the realness of the struggles. But when he got to that point, when Hanschen and Ernst exchanged their soft-spoken words, footsteps interrupted him, eyes drawn away from the text and to the door where Jeremy emerged. His steps were uncertain but he continued forward, strides strong, pulled out a chair and sat down next to Simon.

“Just, uh, just reading this again. It’s so beautiful,” Simon sputtered out, not wanting any awkward silence to grow between them.

“You okay? I mean, you got so upset at rehearsal.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he lied.

“What you said about your family falling apart...what did you--”

Of course he would ask. Why wouldn't he?

“Yeah, that was, uh, that was…” 

God, what was he even supposed to say? How could he explain to him that he was the entire reason his family was falling apart without Jeremy pitying him or judging him?

“Sure, yeah, you don’t have to talk about it,” Jeremy said softly.

“Look, my--my family is, uh...very…” he scoffs, “Catholic. And th-they don’t like me playing Hanschen. And that, you know, that they don’t approve of, uh, you know, homosexuality. Th-they don’t approve of a lot of this, actually.” Simon let out a laugh. It was cold and empty. “I-I feel like there’s this bomb inside me. You know, ever since we started the show, I have these feelings and…I feel like if I ever opened up to them...It’d just--it’d just blow up my family. And they’re my family, you know? I love them.”

He leaned back, arms falling to his lap, book hanging loosely between his fingers. Jeremy sat there quietly, hands folded neatly between his legs. He didn’t speak, he didn’t move to touch Simon, and Simon could barely believe how much relief it brought him. If Jeremy touched him, he probably could never figure out his feelings, he would probably set off the bomb inside of him. They sat there for a few minutes, both gathering their thoughts. Finally, Simon knew exactly what he had to say.

“I’m sorry for the way I treated you and the things I said to you. It was unfair and you didn’t deserve it but you have to understand that I was terrified. I still am. I’ve never really felt...anything like that for anyone and with you...I just...felt--feel too much and…”

“I understand, Simon. It’s all new to me too.”

“I know but it’s more than that. My parents know. They know but how can they know when I don’t? I don’t even know if I’m...if I’m gay. The only thing I’m sure of is how I feel for you but I don’t even know if I’ll ever feel like this with another guy. But I could, but I just don’t know who I am right now.”

Jeremy was silent for a moment, just processing what Simon had said to him.

He eventually exhaled and said, “It’s okay to not know who you are yet, Simon. You have time. I’m sorry for pressuring you like I did, it was stupid and impulsive and I pushed you when I should’ve taken a step back and tried to see how this would affect you. Simon, you don’t owe anything to anyone but yourself right now.”

Simon let it sink in. He closed his eyes and sighed, shoulders dropping.

“I had talked to my dad earlier, I guess that’s why I got as aggressive as I did. He implied that when I got older, whoever I am, however I feel, whatever I figure out about myself, it’s all going to be worth nothing because I’m going to have to push everything down, marry a woman to appease my family, my community, and start a family of my own. A sacrifice for the greater good. A sacrifice to do right in the eyes of God.” He shook his head, turning to look at Jeremy, “But why do I have to sacrifice my happiness? Why do I have to live a life of lies? Why can't I be happy?” His voice cracked and he looked away, feeling foolish that he was getting so emotional.

“You don’t, Simon. And before you say anything, I know it’s not easy and right now it’s all words but eventually, you’re going to be your own person. Your parents aren’t going to be in charge of what you do. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t respect their opinions, because you should, but you should never let it change who you are and what you want for yourself. Look, I know we don’t know each other as well as we could, as well as we should, but Simon--”

“I know, Jeremy. I know. Thank you, you know, for listening and talking to me. I really appreciate everything that you’ve said to me and again, I’m really sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”

Jeremy placed a hand on his knee. It was a light gesture. They locked eyes and Simon could feel himself melt.

“Everything is okay between us. We were both at fault. Just...don’t add me as another thing to worry about. We’re good, Si.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, finally putting the playbook down next to him, and placing his now free hand on top of Jeremy’s, “Thank you.”

Jeremy smiled at him, eyes crinkling slightly, and Simon felt himself exhale. He could see himself coming to care for Jeremy, not like he didn’t already, but more. He took his breath away. And sitting there, looking at him, feeling his touch, seeing the brightness of his smile and the twinkle of his beautiful eyes, Simon wondered how something as pure and kind as this could ever be as destructive as a bomb, how something like this could ever destroy anything, much less have the capability to rip anything apart. But regardless of the outcome, Simon knew at this point, he wasn’t strong enough to let something like this go. And deep down, he hoped he would never let this go.

**Author's Note:**

> next weeks gonna end me  
> come yell at me on [tumblr](http://shotfortheskyy.tumblr.com/)
> 
> honestly don't know where my train of thought even went and this is also unbetad so lol


End file.
